Men Like Pop Music & Fruity Cocktails Too, and That’s Okay
In 2017, Axe released a commercial that was vastly different from their typical style of advertising and asked the question: is it okay for guys to be themselves? When immediately confronted with this question, it’s safe to assume that nearly everyone would answer yes, of course it’s okay. But men have not always received that message from the world around them. A quick Google search tells a story of men wanting, wondering, to step out of the box of traditional masculinity but not knowing if it’s okay. An even shorter search reveals a somewhat sadder story, still among the same lines: is it okay for men to cry?
The short answer is yes. The longer answer has to do with traditional toxic masculinity and what it has taught boys and men about what is acceptable for men and what is not.
New Girl and a New Way of Viewing Masculinity
Toxic masculinity, according to Dictionary.com, is defined as: “a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to mental health.” Though toxic masculinity has been the prevalent way of teaching boys what it means to “be a man,” men have been pushing back against these traditional ideals and defining manhood for themselves. A prime example is in the TV show New Girl.
The show does an incredible job of portraying male friendships that break away from the mold of toxic masculinity, crafting characters who connect on an emotional level, have open conversations about love, and make an attempt to normalize men enjoying typically “feminine” things, such as spa days and wanting to be a stay-at-home dad. One character, Schmidt, redefines manhood for himself in season 2 episode 8, saying, “Manhood today is about exfoliation, and cheese courses, and emotional honesty, and Paxil, and yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne.” Schmidt takes traditional views of masculinity and throws them away, choosing to “be a man” his own way.
But Is It Okay For Guys To …
Men across the world have taken to the internet to find the answer to these questions, and hopefully find a community of other men who also want to break the mold. When presented with the question, what do men wish was as acceptable for them as it is for women, hundreds of responses were offered on multiple different threads.
The lighthearted list:
Drinking fruity cocktails
Listening to “girly” music, including pop and female country singers
Knitting, quilting, crafting
Not liking sports
The heavier list:
Saying a man is handsome without someone assuming they are sexually attracted to that man
Feeling uncomfortable when they get oversexualized / overtly flirted with
This specific point was discussed by men who have worked customer service. It is now common knowledge that an older man harassing a waitress is unacceptable, but this also happens to men by older women, and should be treated as equally inappropriate.
Crying, especially in public
Vulnerability and expressing emotions
A poignant comment from a user on a Reddit thread. Out of all of the responses given on the online forums about what men wish was more acceptable, there were some that kept coming up: crying, expressing emotions, and showing vulnerability. The viral show What Would You Do? simulated a situation of a female versus a male crying in public and how the people around them reacted. While there was an overwhelmingly sympathetic response to the female, with several women going out of their way to check on her, it was a sadly different story for the male. Most passersby ignored the man when he began crying and only interacted with him when prompted. One man engaged him in conversation and tried to lighten his mood while validating his emotions, but this was a rare response.
Justin Baldoni is a married father of two, an actor, director, and author of the book Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity. In his TED Talk which inspired his book, he discusses and challenges toxic masculinity and what it means to “be a man,” saying, “It is exhausting trying to be ‘man enough’ for everyone all the time.” He goes on to redefine traditional masculine traits, such as bravery, strength, and toughness.
In an interview with Kelly Clarkson, he states that men consistently struggle to discuss their emotions and “ask for help, we can’t talk about it, because if we talk about it, we’re challenging the system that keeps us in the box [of traditional masculinity].” Baldoni and countless other men struggle to be vulnerable and to practice, as Schmidt says, emotional honesty every single day. Not because they don’t want to. But because of the lies and expectations that society has imprinted upon them about what a “real man” looks like. Vulnerability is never easy, but it is necessary for healing, growth, and cultivating positive, honest relationships. Being vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength.
The links to all of the videos and threads discussed are below. Please view them if you feel like you are struggling with wanting to break free of toxic masculinity. You are not alone.
Sources:
What Would You Do video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk5er_Ar4hc&ab_channel=WhatWouldYouDo%3F
Reddit threads:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/fxp1ic/men_of_reddit_what_do_you_wish_was_more_accepted/
New Girl and masculinity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFhcNz8K3ZY&ab_channel=MaiaC
Justin Baldoni:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cetg4gu0oQQ&ab_channel=TED
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa7Du6swWIs&ab_channel=TheKellyClarksonShow
Axe commercial:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WySfa7x5q0&ab_channel=AXE